A season has ended...

We had a letter this morning that read as follows: 'I am writing to you with the disappointing news that NHS England are unable to fund a further cycle for you. The funding policy only allows for 3 fresh cycles which you have recently completed'. I was desperate for an answer of what to do.. it has been answered for me. We can no longer have anymore NHS IVF cycles.

This journey of IVF has ended and though it seems we have come out of it empty handed there has been so much I have learnt and so much that has opened my eyes up to the miracle of children. I feel no sadness at the end of this journey. God has delivered me from the greatest pressure I have ever been under. He knew I couldn't take no more...the pain had been too great. I feel relief as though a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders and His peace has filled me...

This season of my life has finished and that means that there is a new one rising on the horizon! I see it brightly shining and warm as the sun! I thank the Lord for His faithfulness throughout this toilsome and rough season we have just been through. He has never left me once and His work in our lives has been awesome!

Ache...

Baby dedications...full of such great joy yet how it awakens that ache, that longing within the heart... It comes upon me suddenly like a gasp of cold air. How ungrateful I feel when the pain fills my heart.  I have so much to be thankful for and so much to feel blessed about. 

Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming that it blinds and obscures my eyes so I cannot see beyond it. I sit there heavy and weighted by the paroxysm of sorrow and anguish...perhaps even bitterness which weeps from heart. My throat feels choked as I worship before the Lord. I want to sing and release my voice yet a constricting feeling closes my throat. I am as rigid and stiff as a soldier before the Lord hiding my imperfections. 

If my heart's anguish was seen upon my face there would be endless tears, scars and blemishes. Worship is hard at times like this... 

As time begins to pass...

After my other two cycles I never really wrote about the effects that the IVF leaves on your life once a cycle has failed. It's already nearly been a month since my egg collection.Though much of this month has been spent trying to recover from the physical effects that the IVF caused, time and time again I get little reminders of the emotional and mental effects of IVF. 

Emotionally it has been a rollercoaster. I have gone from being shocked, angry, seriously depressed and guilty. Mentally I have suffered from anxiety and stress. The anxiety has been playing out quite a bit over this past week to the point where 3 times I have had bad nightmares. As I write this now I had a bad nightmare last night. I don't remember exactly what happened in the dream. I had the same old thing where when you wake up the dream feels so vivid but then it seems to quickly fade away leaving only the feeling that the dream contained. I know this dream was full of hospitals, doctors, needles, even antibiotics but what struck me most about it was I kept crying out for help from nurses and doctors and no one listened to me. It was as though chaos surrounded me, people rushing everywhere and noise and I just wanted someone to help me. 

I woke up with a nasty feeling of unease.. it is strange that I have had 3 nightmares in one week. It's as though when I am asleep my mind is trying to process everything that happened. I feel perfectly fine on the surface and many emotions have passed and life has gone back to normal. Yet somewhere deep inside I know that pain lurks repressed and is leaking out in the form of nightmares and anxiety. 

Time is passing by but much healing yet needs to take place...