Recovery...

Recovery so far has been longer and harder than I anticipated. It has been 19 long days since my egg collection and in previous cycles I would be well and truly back on my feet by now. This has not been the case with this cycle however. 

My period was due to arrive last week and the doctor expected me to be fully recovered after this had come and gone. I began to feel quite unwell on Monday last week, had a slight temperature, stomach ache, lost my appetite. My period arrived the next day and was extremely painful and heavy. This was to be expected and I spent most of the day on the sofa. I woke up on Wednesday feeling a little better but by lunchtime things suddenly turned. I started to feel quite nauseous and cold. Nothing seemed to work to make me feel better and by 2.00pm I started being sick. I was sick 3 times (just like I usually am after my egg collection and felt the same). My stomach was quite painful and I felt terrible. 

So my mum got me an emergency appointment at the doctors. After seeing me she wasn't happy at all and referred me to the hospital. It was a long couple of days - after blood tests and an examination a scan was called for. However we ended up staying in a ward overnight. 

The next morning I had a scan with the gynecologist and he said that I had a blood clot and bruising around the area which had bled during my egg collection. He said that it was very tender and most likely I had an infection which would explain why I felt so unwell. I was sent to another ward and eventually sent home with antibiotics for 5 days. 

After 5 days I am still bleeding. I went back to the doctors yesterday for a follow up appointment. He found from my blood test results taken at the hospital I was showing an infection at the time so another 5 days of antibiotics was prescribed. My urine sample taken yesterday shown no infection now so it has probably gone. 

I believe today I may well have passed the blood clot which was over the puncture wound so this could be a good step forward to recovery. However it is still a way off yet, I am still bleeding and won't finish the antibiotics till Saturday. I have booked another doctors appointment for Monday in hope for a referral back to the hospital for another transvaginal scan to check on the bruising and blood clot. Care Fertility did say this was advisable so I hope it can be done, even just for my own peace of mind! 

It has been a testing 19 days to say the least and I certainly have had a lot of experiences and things to overcome but I will be glad for full health again and to be able to get back to doing some 'normal' things again! 

Numb...

I have awoken this morning to a new feeling or rather I should say no feeling at all - numbness. I feel as though my whole mind has switched off to any emotions of pain or sadness. It feels like I have swallowed toxic venom which has disabled all my senses. 

My body feels heavy and my mind feels languid. I'm only capable of thinking of light things such as 'What do I want for breakfast?', if anything deeper attempts to penetrate my mind it becomes blank. No more tears could be cried. 

Is this the beginning of healing? I do believe it is. My mind has been exposed to such pain that it has almost fallen into a deep coma. Just as when a person has a physical injury to their brain and the doctor will medically induce a coma in order to heal the wound. My mind rests in a sweet slumber devoid of any pain, sadness or hurt. I've been through the tumult of shock, denial, pain, guilt, anger and bargaining over these 4 days... Now I feel nothing...

Grief is one of the hardest things I have ever experienced and it seems to be a recurring theme in my life. I've been thrown into the dark deep pit of grief many times and it is not easy getting back out again. Yet my mind is becoming more resilient to it and I find it a much swifter walk through the valley of grief... 

Surrounded by pain...

When I woke up this morning it took a few minutes for it all to register again. I thought I'd woken up from a bad nightmare and then I realised...there will be no baby. I've spent 7 weeks waking up anticipating and holding onto the hope of having a baby, dreaming of it and going to sleep holding my hope like a snuggle blanket close to my heart. 

Now I sit here this morning and it's all gone. 7 weeks of taking just a little step closer to the biggest dream I've ever had. Every night I had an injection I told myself you are just one step closer, a little nearer than I was yesterday. Every scan we travelled to I grew in hope just as the little eggs were growing in me. We couldn't have felt more blessed when we had 8 eggs collected and then even more blessed because 7 fertilised and were embryos. Those 7 embryos seemed to be going strong even all of them went for a biopsy! We had no reason to believe that again we would be told the crushing news that none, not one of our little babies could be ours. 

We have spent the whole year of 2014 travelling this road of IVF and most of 2013 preparing for it. In the 3 months in the run up to this third cycle we were going to the gym, eating healthily, Jay was on this special stuff called Proxeed to improve sperm quality. It was a break but still we subconsciously were always preparing for the third cycle. When we had a biochemical pregnancy in the first cycle I felt so full of pain but it just chipped away a small crack in my hope. Then the second cycle came and went and the crack got a lot bigger but by having a 3 month break some of it was glued back together. Now this third cycle has ended and it has all come tumbling down. My hope feels crushed and the pain feels insurmountable. 

The pain keeps coming wave after wave and my heart feels like its going to break every time. I find respite in getting on with doing 'normal' things but out of nowhere another wave of pain washes over me. I can't put it in words to talk about it, the only way I can express myself is by writing it down. I cannot even pray to God because there are no words I can speak, it is only felt in my heart. Before I could pick myself up and dust myself off looking for the positives in it all but now I struggle... I feel dizzy with grief, dizzy with loss. Loss after loss after loss. 30 embryos, 30 babies have been made this year and not one has survived... The doctors give me numbers and statistics and percentages and tell me it's a bad batch of eggs. Some people say 'Oh it was bad luck'. Nothing happens by chance or luck. I don't know why all this has happened but I do still know, amidst all the pain, that none this is about luck or even numbers and statistics its about the plan God has for me and though my hope may be crushed at the moment God still holds a flickering light in front of me... 

Results and more pain...

We received the results this morning. 5 embryos had HD and the other 2 embryos came back inconclusive which means they weren't sure whether they did or didn't. Those 2 embryos had also stopped growing after biopsy so there won't be any hope of re-biopsying them. 

To say I am devastated is an understatement. My heart feels like it has suffered so much pain...We have had in total 30 embryos created in one year and all have died or been affected by HD. The whole reason why we did the IVF was to remove a pain so I thought and now it has given me an even greater pain... 

I don't know what I'm going to do or where we will go from here. I'm just thankful I have Jay who is always such an amazing support...

Biopsy...

Today we had the phone call from the embryologist to tell us how the biopsy went. 7 embryos were tested!! I am so amazed that all 7 have made it to the testing!!! Praise the Lord!! 

We will have another phone call tomorrow telling us how the embryos have grown overnight and what the plans for transfer will be for Tuesday. Please keep the 7 embryos in your prayers!  

Pessaries and more embryo news...

Today at 8.00am I had my first Utrogestan pessary which can help reduce the risk of a miscarriage. This will be taken twice a day 12 hours apart. 

I have unfortunately come out in a full blown cold since my egg collection so am not feeling the best at the moment! I'm hoping I will recover from this as quickly as possible. 

At 9.30am we had a phone call from the embryologist who told us that 6 of our 7 embryos have divided and been graded as excellent. The 7th embryo has not yet divided but might well later on. So we have 6 little babies still growing strong. Please pray for health and strength for all the embryos. 

Egg Collection...

Off we went today at 6.00am for our egg collection! We woke up at 5.30am and got on the road. Arrived at Nottingham at 7.25am with 5 minutes to go! Today there was a great sense of peace resting on me (must be all them prayers!) 

We were called in to prepare for theatre and I felt perfectly calm. I dressed in my gown, fluffy socks and clogs. Filled in the form and had my blood pressure taken. I also asked for an anti-sickness drug this time that I hope will work! 

The anesthetist came in and spoke with us double-checking everything. Then before I knew where I was a nurse came to fetch me for theatre. So I walked down, what always seems like, a very long corridor to the room! I laid on the bed and the anesthetist began tapping my hand for my cannula. He attempted to insert the cannula but unfortunately my veins were too small so he tried the other hand. The cannula finally went in and before I knew it the drugs had been administered and I was out. 

This time however I did not wake up in the recovery room but began feeling a lot pain. I was vaguely aware of it until gradually I became more and more conscious of this horrific pain. I had woken up in theatre! Within a few more minutes I was wheeled into the recovery room and the nurse started to explain what had happened. Unfortunately I had bled and it was gushing so the Doctor was going to put stitches in. However he decided instead to put a pack inside and that explained why I felt such immense pressure down below. 

I was wheeled into the next room and they fetched Jason. Upon arriving the nurse told us that we have 8 eggs collected. Then the nurse said I had to remain lying down until the Doctor was ready to remove the pack. I was lying on the bed for 2 hours and the pack felt extremely uncomfortable. Though it was doing it's job! 

By 11am the doctor came back to remove the pack which was painful but then the pressure was released. I had to remain lying down for another half hour and then the nurse helped me to get up. I was checked several times that I had stopped bleeding and finally given the go ahead to get back home. 

We eventually got on the road at 1.00pm ish and got home at nearly 2.00pm. By this time I was feeling extremely queasy and nauseous as I had gone with only a ginger biscuit and a cracker for all that time. So my dinner was a plate of oven chips which really made me feel better! I still have to be careful with my stomach so plain food is the best. 

So after an extremely eventful day I am now under strict orders for complete rest and we will have regular phone calls daily to update us on the progress. Tomorrow we will know how many eggs fertilised. Keep our little babies in your prayers! 

Last injections and time of egg collection...

Just had a phone call this afternoon from the nurse at Nottingham with all the details for the next step! Tonight I will have my final Buserelin injection at an earlier time of 5.00pm to leave a nice gap for the HCG trigger injection. My HCG trigger injection will be at 8.00pm which will mature the eggs ready for collection.

My egg collection is scheduled for 8.00am on Thursday 9th October. We have to be at Nottingham for 7.30am (lovely early start!) I'm first on the list (same as in my first cycle) so I'll get it out the way with! 

Fourth scan...

Off we went this morning for our fourth scan on this wet and grey day! On the journey there I was extremely uncomfortable with pain in my right ovary and unfortunately hadn't packed any paracetamol! 

We pressed on though to arrive on time and waited for the scan! Finally we have been given the go ahead for egg collection (EC)! Sizes are really good ranging from 11mm (the smallest) - 21mm (the biggest) and we discovered why my right ovary is so painful. I have 3 large egg follicles, 21mm, 20.5mm and 18.5mm! 

So the plan of action is one more night of Menopur tonight just to give an extra boost of growth. Then tomorrow will be my trigger injection of Pregnl and I have to continue the Buserelin that night also but stop the Menopur. Then 36 hours from my trigger injection will my EC be scheduled (I will find out all the times tomorrow). On Wednesday I won't have any drugs to take so I will get a nice little break before my EC. 

So EC is Thursday and I am ready to go! Its 6 weeks since I started this third round of IVF and am really looking forward to getting this big procedure out the way with. 

Third Scan...

Today we went for our third scan at Nottingham. After two nights of 300IU of Menopur I thought perhaps this would be the last scan and had been psyching myself up for the egg collection. So after looking at my ovaries on my left ovary I have 11 follicles ranging from 9mm the smallest to 13mm the biggest and on my right ovary I have less follicles but bigger ones at 16mm. I was feeling a little disappointed when I left because I was convinced that today would be my last scan. However it is only day 11 since I started the Menopur and on my previous two cycles it took me 16 days on the first cycle and 14 days on the second cycle. 

So another scan was booked for Monday at 10.30am and I will continue taking 300IU of Menopur over the weekend. I am thankful for the all the eggs I have, I just began to feel a bit weary. Then I came across this Bible verse in the book I'm reading:
'And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint' ~Galatians 6:9

This has greatly strengthened me and the love and support from friends and family has been amazing! 

Second scan...

Today was our second scan at Nottingham. Things are moving along well, sizes are now between 7mm-15mm. The nurse has counted 16 eggs again! So it's going to be a big batch.

A third scan has been booked for Friday at 10.30am and my Menopur has been increased to 300IU (4 vials). So it definately looks like egg collection will be next week!