When I woke up this morning it took a few minutes for it all to register again. I thought I'd woken up from a bad nightmare and then I realised...there will be no baby. I've spent 7 weeks waking up anticipating and holding onto the hope of having a baby, dreaming of it and going to sleep holding my hope like a snuggle blanket close to my heart.
Now I sit here this morning and it's all gone. 7 weeks of taking just a little step closer to the biggest dream I've ever had. Every night I had an injection I told myself you are just one step closer, a little nearer than I was yesterday. Every scan we travelled to I grew in hope just as the little eggs were growing in me. We couldn't have felt more blessed when we had 8 eggs collected and then even more blessed because 7 fertilised and were embryos. Those 7 embryos seemed to be going strong even all of them went for a biopsy! We had no reason to believe that again we would be told the crushing news that none, not one of our little babies could be ours.
We have spent the whole year of 2014 travelling this road of IVF and most of 2013 preparing for it. In the 3 months in the run up to this third cycle we were going to the gym, eating healthily, Jay was on this special stuff called Proxeed to improve sperm quality. It was a break but still we subconsciously were always preparing for the third cycle. When we had a biochemical pregnancy in the first cycle I felt so full of pain but it just chipped away a small crack in my hope. Then the second cycle came and went and the crack got a lot bigger but by having a 3 month break some of it was glued back together. Now this third cycle has ended and it has all come tumbling down. My hope feels crushed and the pain feels insurmountable.
The pain keeps coming wave after wave and my heart feels like its going to break every time. I find respite in getting on with doing 'normal' things but out of nowhere another wave of pain washes over me. I can't put it in words to talk about it, the only way I can express myself is by writing it down. I cannot even pray to God because there are no words I can speak, it is only felt in my heart. Before I could pick myself up and dust myself off looking for the positives in it all but now I struggle... I feel dizzy with grief, dizzy with loss. Loss after loss after loss. 30 embryos, 30 babies have been made this year and not one has survived... The doctors give me numbers and statistics and percentages and tell me it's a bad batch of eggs. Some people say 'Oh it was bad luck'. Nothing happens by chance or luck. I don't know why all this has happened but I do still know, amidst all the pain, that none this is about luck or even numbers and statistics its about the plan God has for me and though my hope may be crushed at the moment God still holds a flickering light in front of me...
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