After my other two cycles I never really wrote about the effects that the IVF leaves on your life once a cycle has failed. It's already nearly been a month since my egg collection.Though much of this month has been spent trying to recover from the physical effects that the IVF caused, time and time again I get little reminders of the emotional and mental effects of IVF.
Emotionally it has been a rollercoaster. I have gone from being shocked, angry, seriously depressed and guilty. Mentally I have suffered from anxiety and stress. The anxiety has been playing out quite a bit over this past week to the point where 3 times I have had bad nightmares. As I write this now I had a bad nightmare last night. I don't remember exactly what happened in the dream. I had the same old thing where when you wake up the dream feels so vivid but then it seems to quickly fade away leaving only the feeling that the dream contained. I know this dream was full of hospitals, doctors, needles, even antibiotics but what struck me most about it was I kept crying out for help from nurses and doctors and no one listened to me. It was as though chaos surrounded me, people rushing everywhere and noise and I just wanted someone to help me.
I woke up with a nasty feeling of unease.. it is strange that I have had 3 nightmares in one week. It's as though when I am asleep my mind is trying to process everything that happened. I feel perfectly fine on the surface and many emotions have passed and life has gone back to normal. Yet somewhere deep inside I know that pain lurks repressed and is leaking out in the form of nightmares and anxiety.
Time is passing by but much healing yet needs to take place...
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