There is a purpose for my pain...

I am doing really well at the moment! Tonight will be my fifth injection and other than feeling extremely tired (I was falling asleep by 9pm last night!) I haven't had many side-effects. Praise the Lord! 

The hardest thing actually isn't the drugs or the procedures, its your own feelings and thoughts that are more of a struggle. IVF turned out to be a lot more painful than I ever thought and the memories of the past two cycles come flooding back...God has healed so much of the pain in my heart but the memories remain and it can be hard sometimes to look past them. 

I always used to feel so broken after each cycle but it put me in a place where I was so close to God and much of my growing would happen in these times of brokenness. There was times when I sobbed my heart out on the floor asking God 'Why? Why didn't it work? Why do I have to go through it again?' Particularly after my second cycle a huge part of me didn't want to go through it again. I was so caught up in the pain and I actually remember crying out to God 'My heart is hurting'. I had already been through pain before when I was diagnosed with Huntington's but this hurt more. It hurt more because I was doing the IVF for good, it would have good consequences for the future of our family. Really though I had become weary, pain after pain seemed to have come into my life and I was tired of it. Tired of tears, tired of my heart hurting and this baby holds so much hope for me...

Then I stopped looking at it like God hadn't provided what I wanted and I began to realise how selfishly I had been thinking. I had forgotten how much God has already provided for us and how much He has already done for us. I had forgotten to be thankful for what I already have. I began to relinquish the desire in my heart for a baby to God. God is good and He knows every desire in my heart. He knows the pain I have been through. This has been a journey and a process and He has been using it for my good. This process has been growing me and changing me into the person He wants me to be so that I can reach the life He wants me to have. 

I know though that there is a purpose to this pain! As Rick Warren said: 'Our deepest life message often comes out of our deepest pain'... There is blessing in this pain!