Today has been one of the most difficult days yet... I didn't write a blog about it but on Friday we did an early sneaky pregnancy test and we got a faint but visible line which meant that we were pregnant. I tried so hard to contain my excitement and struggled to calm myself down. Both of us were so happy and felt so blessed.
Today was the day for the pregnancy test from CARE Fertility and I felt surprisingly calm about it. We woke up at 6.00am and as we began to put the drops on the test I could feel my stomach whirling around and around. We turned away and didn't dare look until the 3 minutes had passed. Jay looked first but there was no happy reaction, I looked over his shoulder and to me there was only one line. I felt as though the whole world had come tumbling down on my head. I couldn't help but cry and nothing anyone said could console me.
However after a few minutes Jay then said 'Look there is another line but it is really faint'. I didn't dare believe it, you could barely see the line, not like the other test we did on Friday. Jay went out to buy another pregnancy test and the same thing happened. So I rang up CARE Fertility to explain everything. The nurse said that having a line there at all indicates a pregnancy but I can't understand why my line is fainter not stronger. She said that all we can do now is wait and do another test on Friday morning. I have not had any bleeding yet only a few cramps so all I can do is wait...
I did read however that it is quite common to have a chemical pregnancy which is a very early miscarriage. Some women test and get a positive pregnancy test and then have only negative ones as the HCG levels drop. It is usually followed by a period like bleed so I just have to wait and see...
I don't quite know how I feel at the moment. One minute I feel as though I am bearing up and that I will get through this, next I feel so empty and weary and the tears begin again. Seeing Jay's face this morning was really hard, he looked so full of despair and was so eager to try and comfort me. I know it must be even harder for him and that he must feel completely helpless.
You never feel quite the same again after all this. It has certainly changed me, this tiny embryo to me has been like a little person and the thought of having lost it makes me feel sick... I know that God has been with us throughout all this journey and is still with us now. Even though I am despairing today I still do have a small amount of hope left for tomorrow and the next day... I trust in God and submit it all to Him...
I thank you all again for your prayers and support and please do continue to pray for us <3
No comments:
Post a Comment